Chillin’ on the couch now…I just came back from giving my first workshop! Ok, so what the hell happened since my last blog post then?!
First, I think recognizing so clearly what my feelings are last time was a big step. I felt so clear and aware every time I was freezing because of fear. This made it possible for me to deal with the situation more concretely.
Second, I did deal with it. Well, maybe not fully on an emotional level. I haven’t found out the true origin of this fear. Maybe I don’t need to, maybe there isn’t any specific origin. My approach was to just do it anyway. I made an appointment with Ms. Van. That was the first step.
Finally, the 5th Knowmads weekend was a real catalyst for me. Giving the presentation, sharing about my project stating: ‘I am looking for any organization that would like me to give a workshop so if anyone here in the room is interested let me know’
After my presentation Huan came to me and said that it might be possible to give my workshop to the volunteers of CSDS. Wow, now it’s getting real!
I found out I can speak with real confidence, even though when I’m alone, in my own world I might feel not confident at all. Once I am in front of people, telling my story, however imperfect it is, I can feel very confident about it.
Last Tuesday I had a meeting with Huan to talk about the workshop. Result: the first session can be held this Friday. Shit! Now I really have to make this work. I mean, it’s nice and all sitting at home, thinking about my course, perfecting my thoughts, day dreaming about it a bit. But when reality hits you, some other questions come up: what am I actually gonna say, I mean, in detail? How much time do I have? Do I want people to sit on chairs, or on the floor, does this even matter to me? How do I make sure I get feedback?
What I feared all along: talking with people about my plans to make them concrete, actually turned out to give me a lot of energy! I felt so excited the whole week to see how much I learn from this new step.
Today the workshop finally happened. I prepared a lot for it. And ow I can tell you, I was sooo nervous all day long! I couldn’t think of anything else. But the moment I stepped out of my door, I was ready. I felt grounded, I felt centered in myself, and my nerves were gone. When I arrived at the café where my workshop was going to take place, many people were already there, very early! Huan told everybody that the workshop would start half an hour earlier because he didn’t want them to be late. This turned out great, because I could put into practice what Preetam Rai told us: get to know your audience up front. So I was just hanging out a bit, talking to a few girls. Very nice. When it was time for my workshop to start, my self-confidence and calm feelings had not left me. And even though for sure my workshop wasn’t perfect, I am sure I conveyed a very stable, confident demeanor.
My success of the evening is thus: my being able to feel self-confident throughout the whole session.
My bigger lesson I wrote earlier about: ‘I don’t have to be 100% perfect to start doing something’ has been put into practice. I can definitely think of a few points I would improve in my workshop of tonight. But I feel very satisfied and happy with the way it was, imperfect as it was. And I notice one important thing: It’s not scary to fail or do things imperfectly. Actually I’m very excited about learning more, improving my workshop facilitation skills and the workshop itself. I actually enjoy the journey that comes from being imperfect!